I have a friend that hasn't spoken or communicated with her father in months. She decided to write him a letter and e-mail him her feelings. So many times in our lives, we don't realize that people are going to be people regardless of what we do or say. Sometimes, we have to just take the L even if we are right. With her permission, I posted it here, as a testament of someone who understands that. This is what she wrote:
I decided that this time I would speak to you for myself and not from an angry standpoint with skewed views that I alone had and those of others. It's been 9 months and maybe you don't understand why I was angry back then so I'll explain it to you. When I was living in (a certain state) you would always tell me that we didn't see each other much because I was so far away and when I made the decision to move to (another state), I didn't move here for you but I thought that as an added bonus we could have a better relationship since I would be in a closer proximity to you.
You said that you didn't deal with "these people" so that's why you hadn't made arrangements to come and pick me up but when I would visit here in the past years you would come and get me to spend time with you even though you didn't deal with "these people" then. I was hurt that you had every excuse in the book as to why you didn't arrange to see me when here I am living 45 minutes away from you.
All the time I hear from "these people" that there's something in me that you saw and didn't like and therefore you just don't want to deal with me and you didn't like me and I should get over it and if that is how you feel, I'm sorry you feel that way. Yes, I do act like my mother because I have half of her traits and that may be half too many for you but one thing that you may not realize is that even though I have not been around you long enough to know you as a person and vice versa, I still carry half of your traits in my DNA. I'm sorry that you weren't around me long enough to see that but I can't change that nor can I change your views of me if that is how you genuinely feel and if it is you'll never admit it to me anyway and that's ok with me. I'm sure you're thinking that I caved just like you thought I would because I need something from you just as you knew that I would write you a heated email back in June or July but that is not the case.
Yes, I caved.
Not because I want anything from you, not because I wanted a chance to prove you right once again but because I can't divorce you and pretend that you don't exist when I every time I look in the mirror I see how much I resemble you. You may think that our resemblance is the only thing I took from you but there is more. I have a good heart even though I don't make the best decisions. I usually have the best intentions but it's always misunderstood.
Regardless of what you may have heard, I am not the person you think I am and if you had only given me the time I wanted you would know that. I can't recall how many times I've worked and used most of my check taking my family out because we were in a bind and we all needed to have fun and get away or the times that I knew my mom was struggling and I gave her the money and never asked for it back or even the time that I gave a family member my bank card even though I had no money in there just so they could get groceries. Sure I had to pay an overdraft fee on top of the money they spent but that didn't matter because as long as my family ate I was fine.
Don't get me wrong because I have done some not so great things as well but I'm not ungrateful. I'm not the bad seed that you think I am or more-so want me to be. Yes, I flunked out of school just like you said I would but until I'm dead I won't prove you right or wrong because as long as there is time left for me I can still accomplish the things that I know I will. Maybe I didn't accomplish them in the time frame that you wanted but that isn't to say that it won't be done. If I recall correctly, you didn't either but you still made it.
I've been accepted to four universities and a few colleges and I will be returning to school in August and I'm not doing it for you or anyone else but because I want to do it. If I live my life calculating my steps so that I won't prove you right, I'll never be happy. So if me writing this is proving you right then that's just fine with me because I'm tired of being stubborn just to prove a point. Life is too short. The thought that we haven't talked in so long that I could have been pregnant and delivered and you wouldn't even know that you were a grandfather unless my mother informed you bothered me because my last name isn't (last name) or (last name) or (last name) so I can't do what others do. I can only do what is right for me in my own mind and I can't cut off parents or children just to make a point valid in my eyes.
I'm not trying to prove myself to you because if I do, I'll never live up to your expectations. Just because I am my mother's child does not make me guilty by association. Whatever transpired between you and her should stay there. I shouldn't be punished for the mistakes you both made because I didn't ask to be here. I didn't ask to be a burden to you. I never wanted your money. I never saw it and if you were to call my mother right now she would tell you of all the times when I was out on my own and I was in a financial bind and I refused to call you because you talked about me so badly.
I made due without your money then and I am now. That's not what I wanted from you but that doesn't seem to register.
All I wanted was your time and that's all I want now.
I just wanted to be able to look in the stands when I played my first basketball game and see both of my fathers, or to be able to cry to you when one of my boyfriends broke my heart, or to go to the movies with you and not be left alone in the theater watching (a film) while you were in the other theater watching (another film) with your family. You may claim that it never happened but you and I know it did. I'll never forget it. I'm not saying that because I'm mad at you for it because I'm not. I'm just letting you know that all I wanted was to be a part of your life and have you as a part of mine and to get to know my brother and sister and not feel uncomfortable whenever I was around your family because I knew I would never be a part of that.
I'm not discrediting you for what you have done because the money that you sent for me made sure that I was taken care of and the yearly and bi-yearly visits were nice and I appreciate that but if I had to choose the money or you, I would rather be broke and happy. I don't call my other father my father to throw it in your face but because he is. He gave me time. He took responsibility for me even when I wasn't his responsibility. He may not have been the man that you or my grandparents believed he should have been but he was there and that counts for a lot to me.
You're not obligated to be there for me physically but I would like it if you were.
I would like the chance to get to know you and for you to get to know me and not just to go off what you've been told. I don't think like you do and I'm not willing to throw away a parent just because they hurt me because if that was the case, my mother and I would not have a relationship at all but I forgave her because no matter what happened she was still there and I think that I never really forgave you for so long because you weren't. It was easier to just say screw you because I had no real connection with you. I knew who you were but I didn't know you. I never had the opportunity to see the person that everyone tells me about.
When I'm told that I act like you, I can't see how because I've never seen you in that light. The only thing that I could never understand is how could you have me three and four days a week when I was little and hold me for days and days at a time until you were made to go home and then as the years passed it just felt like you didn't love me anymore and I'm not sure what I may have done to bring on that. It's something I may never understand but I do see that some of the blame rests with me as well because while I was so busy ranting and raving about how you weren't a father, I should have been concentrating on how to be a daughter to you.
Somewhere down the line we suffered from a major disconnect and all I want to do is find that point and work on it with you. That's all I'm asking. My hand is outstretched and it will continue to be and if you want to reach out your hand then I'm here and if not then I completely understand and you'll continue to be in my prayers. 9 months ago I said I was tired of having to chase you in order to have a relationship because I shouldn't have to but sometimes you have to do things that you don't think you should need to because if I think a certain way, I can't make you conform to my thought processes. I can't expect you to say, "(her name), let's have a father-daughter relationship" just because I think that you should say that because we may have our similarities but we are also different people and if something is right in my mind, doesn't make it right in yours and vice versa.
You can communicate well and articulate just what you need and want to say to business world but you can't communicate on the home-front with me. So yes, just like you expected, I caved and I'm proud of it because sometimes caving is taking the higher ground and realizing that people are here today and gone tomorrow and I don't want to wake up and get a phone call to attend your funeral or vice versa and we still haven't talked. That would be such a shame.
So if you're willing we can work on this and if not then my prayers will still continue to be with you.
(When I asked her how she felt after she typed this, she said she felt content, light, and as if a burden was lifted).
What do you think about this?
